Frederica

I have a copy of the Do Make Say think album Winter Hymn Country Hymn Secret Hymn. But I can’t listen to it because the CD is super scratched. I just remembered that through the magic of technology and sharing I can listen to it on Google Play.

I haven’t listened to the album in awhile because it reminds me of an ex boyfriend who introduced me to this band. We even went to a show to see them at the Troubadour. I was hesitant to go to the show because of the venue. I like it because it’s small, but it is mostly just standing room. As someone who is 5’4″ I have this condition that prohibits me from being able to see over anyone who is taller than 5’6″. Still, I wanted to make it seem like I was a normal person, like I was cool. So I went and decided to act like I was having a good time, but not too enthusiastically.

Anyway, my big takeaway from this show was remembering a feeling of belonging. This was mainly created by the band themselves. Their rapport with the audience was a welcoming one, they created a safe space. (There was one other time I felt like this at a show and it was when I saw Broken Social Scene in San Francisco.) At one point a member of the band spoke to the audience and recalled a Buddhist saying/concept on being born a human:

Imagine there was one life preserver thrown somewhere in some ocean and there is exactly one turtle in all of these oceans, swimming underwater somewhere. The probability that you came about and exist today is the same as that turtle sticking its head out of the water — in the middle of that life preserver. On one try.

I had to Google that, BTW.
Basically: everyone here at this show tonight is special and we should, collectively, appreciate that we’re all here together, today. What a fucking miracle.

I took the bait. I thought, “Yes. This. Is. Awesome.” That lasted for maybe just the rest of the night but it gave me a great feeling about myself and the world I live in.

Nowadays though, when someone says something like this on Facebook, I look at it, I think, “must be nice” and then I move on. Why? I’m starting to think it’s because I’m afraid of giving in fully. I do have one foot in the door of being a big hippie, but my other foot doesn’t want to leave the world that everyone else is living in. Mostly for fear that I’ll never be able to find my way back. I worry that I’ll loose consciousness of how I’ll sound and appear to those who aren’t also big hippies. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want to lose that self awareness or if it’s because deep down, I really care what people think.

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