I’m on a roller coaster that never really reaches the apex. It keeps sliding back down… backwards… at frightening speeds.
I went to the movies yesterday and It’s so hard to do anything without relating it to him in some way. Which would make sense since I have been doing everything with him since we were in high school. It’s like I don’t remember life before him. The movies, walking by a diner, looking out at a scenic view, walking into a music venue, looking at apartment listings, listening to my favorite 80s songs (this especially), being in the city at night, I can’t get away. He is always there and I wish it would stop.
an excerpt from Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block:
“Yeah,” Duck said. “I saw it on that talk show once. These two gay guys and their best friend all slept together so no one would know for sure whose baby it was. And then they had this really cool little girl and they all raised her, and it was so cool, and when someone in the audience said, ‘What sexual preference do you hope she has?’ they all go together, they go ‘Happiness.’ Isn’t that cool?”
to me, that is poetry.
I got flowers this morning from a somebody who lives 300 miles away. Yey.
Then I went over to Tiffany’s place about an hour late, helped her finish the cupcakes she made for the loverly gay couples getting hitched at city hall. Then we headed over there for some gay marriage supporting. We got our pictures taken by a lot of people and we might be mentioned in the Washington Post.
I totally give Tiff props for making a big batch of cupcakes and frosting them and making little decorations for them.
retroactive linkage: Gay, lesbian couples line up to marry.
Tomorrow morning I am leaving. how exciting. It’s been ummm 10 or 11 years since I’ve been in Hong Kong. My parents and relatives have me taking so much crap with me to my aunt and cousin. I’m taking lots of mail (addressed to my aunt) and presents and steaks. Yeah, as in meat.
I opened my most important presents last night, from my honey, Dnaiel. He bought me seasons 1-5 of FRIENDS on DVD!! I’ll be watching friends for the rest of my life! haha.
Right now, however, I am watching the appendices of Two Towers…a Christmas present I bought for myself. Such great shit!
Again, merry Christmas to everyone and happy new year!
Wanted to add: it doesn’t feel like Christmas because I haven’t watched any Christmas movies yet
will only lead to heartache.
Though sometimes it’s the only way to know the truth and in my case this is always true. Now I want to sleep and never wake up… or just go on a shooting rampage, I think that might make me feel better. I don’t think confronting him about what I found will do any good because I’ve tried that many times and it never works to my advantage or solves anything.
Actually, I think what would make me really happy is if by some kind of divine miracle he started telling the truth. And that he would genuinely feel sorry for hurting me instead of leading me on with “I love you”s and “You know I care for you”s. Lies. Those are just words and they can be said to any other girl at the same time. Which wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.
I’m such a fool! I think that’s what bothers me the most is the many times I found out the truth and then said I wasn’t going back but still did. And believing that he really actually was my best friend and soul mate. It’s the worst feeling when you find out that who you’ve come to trust the most in this world isn’t worthy of having your trust. I’ve found that no matter what I thought about the truth it’s still better than the lie.