so we’re here remembering
our fatality
So as a general philosophy I believe that you decide the kind of person you want to be. Of all the things in this world the one thing you can control is who you are. You can’t control other people. You can’t control the weather, the world, politics, the environment, society… but you have total control over your own choices and the kind of person you choose to be.
Growing up I never had much self esteem. I was definitely more of a follower than a leader. I thought I was weak in general but had a lot of heart. Which, I suppose, made me pretty sensitive. The fact that my mom yelled at me at least 2-3 times a week didn’t help much either. It just taught me to cry in private rather than in front of her because that would lead to more scolding. The yelling actually really hurt my ears to the point where it was all a droning sound that I thought it would eventually lead to hearing loss. I’m pretty sure that my mother always getting on me about things that I didn’t do right or didn’t do well enough did not help with the self-esteem issues. She never taught me how to believe in myself because that is not the Chinese way, that’s an American thing. You’re supposed to live for the benefit of the family, not for yourself. You do what your parents tell you to do, not what you want to do. It was a very confusing time because every now and then she would ask me what I wanted to be but then would tell me what to do.
It was a bit of a challenge growing up and being in middle school then high school almost completely devoid of confidence. I didn’t have much of a social life either because I actually lived in a different school district than the one I attended. After school and weekend gatherings with friends were things I rarely ever got to partake in. On several occasions they didn’t even invite me because they knew the answer would be no. That hurt a lot.
When I learned how to drive I was no longer dependent on my parents’ schedule. I could hang out with friends after school and go out on weekends, of course I still had to ask permission but it was better than nothing. I still didn’t live life like all my friends though, and being an observer doesn’t teach you all of life’s lessons. I did learn a lot but I didn’t actually experience the emotions myself so I was totally unprepared for what was to come.
Eventually I decided to stop just letting things happen to me. I was going to make things happen because I could. I hadn’t realized it before because I didn’t know what I was capable of but I really could do whatever I wanted (assuming that what I wanted to do wasn’t to bend time or space). I didn’t even know who I was because I was never allowed to be anyone I wanted to be. I was who my parents wanted me to be. They had made all my major life decisions. Even when they asked what I wanted, they never really listened.
So I designed an archetype for myself from characters from books, film, and television as well as a few people I knew in real life. I won’t go into detail about it but every now and then I take a look at the blueprint I’ve made for myself and try to see if things are going according to plan. Sometimes I’m surprised at how easy it was to fill one of the quotas. Other times I think about how much work went into that area of myself and I also wonder to myself “how am I going to get there?”
But lately I’ve been noticing that the foundation on which all this was built is still the same. I’m still the same person on the inside. I’m still over emotional, sensitive, and worried about what other people think. All the things that I thought I had changed about myself are still there, I’ve just learned how to cover it up or hold it back.
Does self awareness keep me from being that person I want to be? Maybe I can’t be “that person,” because that kind of person doesn’t know when she’s being heartless. She isn’t aware when people hate her or think she is cold. She doesn’t worry or care about throwing away opportunities because she doesn’t see them. She doesn’t have the time for second chances because she has no faith in people. Maybe I can’t be this person and still maintain the qualities that I love about myself. Is it possible that maybe you can’t willingly change who you truly are and always were deep down? You can’t change the core of “you”?
